Trust Issues: Working On Them In A Christ-Centered WayApr 08, 2021
3 ways your trust issues are blocking you from a Christ-centered marriage
How does a Christian woman build trust in a new romantic relationship?
If you want a simple, thorough guide to overcoming trust issues from a Christ-centered perspective, you've come to the right place.
Christian women worldwide struggle to get into healthy, Godly relationships and enjoy a Christ-centered marriage because they don't know how to deal with their trust issues.
In this extensive in-depth article:
I'll walk you through the step-by-step process for renewing your mind in Christ, overcoming your trust issues, and healing your heart, so that you're free to pursue your God-given desire for a Christ-centered marriage.
I'll also answer some common questions and show you examples to help put you on the path to wholehearted and authentic love.
You'll follow the steps, work on your trust issues and start dating deliberately so that you can be the Godly wife you know you're meant to be.
Let's get started.
Where does trust begin?
How do I fix my trust issues? What do I do if my ex-cheated on me and now I'm afraid the next man will do the same thing? How do you let go and let God? Will a man be mature enough to handle my vulnerabilities? How do I stop being suspicious?
These are questions my readers and students ask me when they're feeling choked by the fear of being hurt again.
Want to know the big problem with romantic relationships?
They come with an insanely high failure rate.
Most women wrongly assume that they can avoid having a painful romantic experience if they're good enough. They also secretly believe that with enough time, effort and prayer, they can restore a relationship, and therefore she won't have wasted the time they invested.
As a result, they are reluctant to get into relationships and even more reluctant to end them.
Trust issues are a vicious cycle.
This habit repeats over and over again, and the cycle takes longer and longer each time.
Eventually, she wakes up one morning and is totally freaked out because her hair is turning gray, and her biological clock is ticking in her ears like a drum.
She feels heartbroken and angry because she thought she would be married with babies by now. Instead, she's spending her evenings alone with her countertop herb garden, cat, and adult coloring book.
It's not because there's something wrong with her or that God wants her to stay single for the rest of her life.
It's because she's trying to trust the wrong person.
If you're looking to have a Christ-centered relationship that leads into a godly marriage, you must begin by trusting Christ in you.
Being able to trust men begins with being able to trust yourself.
That's the bad news.
The good news is that I will show you how to tune into the still small voice deep within you who is ever-present and 100% trustworthy.
Thankfully, it's a lot easier than you'd think.
How to trust God with your love life
Jot down a few of the ways in which you think God is withholding your marriage.
Here are a few examples of what my coaching clients have told me:
- God won't let me get married until I completely surrender to Him.
- If I prayed more consistently, God would have revealed my husband by now.
- I'm not married because I've got sexual sin in my past, and I'm no longer pure.
- I'm good, but God is still working on my husband, and it's a big job.
- He's a jealous God, and He knows I won't put Him first if I'm in a romantic relationship.
While there may be a grain of truth to some of these statements, notice how shaming and condemning they are.
That's not how God talks to His beloved daughters.
These kinds of thoughts show that you don't trust yourself or God's grace.
Here's why that's important to recognize.
Too many Christian women have been taught NOT to trust God's grace. They've been taught to trust in their good behavior. Since they're painfully aware of how imperfect their behavior is, they feel scared, hold back and miss opportunities to form relationships.
If there are no new relationships, how will you learn important relationship skills? Where will your communication skills come from? How will a godly man meet you?
There are too many women sitting at home watching Netflix waiting for a Godly man to break into her house and marry her.
It's counterintuitive, but the more failed relationships you have, the more opportunities you create to build trust and find a Godly husband.
Again, this isn't about building trust with men; it's about you learning to trust yourself because you have the Holy Spirit guiding you 24/7.
Start your relationship on a solid foundation.
A covenant marriage includes 3 parties.
You, God, and a man.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.Ecclesiastes 4:12
Here's an idea that might surprise you.
God trusts you.
I know you probably don't feel trustworthy, but that doesn't stop God from trusting you.
The reason God can trust you is that He knows you. He has a deep intimate relationship with you. There's no fear holding Him back. He's not worried about whether or not you will fail; we all know you will.
And guess what...
He's totally cool with that.
God has a plan that is not dependent on your obedience or behavior. His plan is completely dependent on Him. There is space in your relationship with God for all your failures and sin because the blood of Christ has completely covered them.
In fact, God accounted for all your sins and made a plan to bring you into His royal family as a daughter who could ask her Father for any good thing and boldly expect to receive it.
It has never been God's desire to dangle blessings in front of us as a reward for good behavior.
God wants His daughters to pursue all the desires boldly. He himself has placed them within our hearts.
Don't let your little sins deter you.
If God has given you a big beautiful vision for your life that includes marriage and children, don't be afraid to pursue it passionately.
I know you've got trust issues.
That doesn't mean you should hold onto them as a way to stay safe.
Put yourself in the shoes of a Godly man.
You're out there in the world, looking for a Godly wife, and a woman catches your eye. Maybe a friend introduced her, or you met her on a dating app, or maybe you bumped into each other at a local charity run.
Regardless, you strike up a conversation, and after some lighthearted back and forth, you eventually find yourself asking the question...
Is she for me?
Once that question pops into your mind, your brain gets busy collecting evidence to make a decision. The only way you will stay in that relationship is if it's clear to you that the answer is "Yes and Amen!"
For that reason, my friend, you must let go of your trust issues and leave your past behind.
I know they feel like a warm cozy security blanket that's keeping you safe from all the bad guys out there.
But the reality is that your trust issues are more like a prison wall that's keeping the best of you locked in.
How to break down trust issues.
Trust is built in the small moments.
This is beautiful and awful at the same time.
Here's the problem;
It means that it's easy to disregard the little things that a man does daily because we are hypervigilant in our need to spot red flags.
On the other hand, we can ignore multiple acts of small betrayal because we don't trust ourselves to react appropriately.
The benefit to this is that we can begin to teach ourselves to trust and recognize signs of trustworthiness daily within our closest relationships.
For example, when a friend calls to check on you, or someone makes a vegan dish for the church because they know you don't eat meat.
Within a few weeks of intentional noticing, you can begin to shift your mindset from suspicion to trust.
If you're particularly untrusting men, begin by appreciating how some men build trust with the women they love.
Collect these stories from your female friends as evidence that there are still good men in the world. Once your brain believes this to be true, it will be far easier for you to spot them in your own life.
What Christian women can learn about trust from Brené Brown
Brené Brown is one of my favorite authors.
In her book Braving The Wilderness, she talks about the 7 elements of trust using the acronym BRAVING.
Allow me to share it with you.
- B- Boundaries. Do you respect your own boundaries and those of others?
- R- Reliability. Do you do what you say you are going to do?
- A- Accountability. Do you own your mistakes, hold yourself accountable, apologize when necessary, and make amends?
- V- Vault. Do you share information that's not yours to share or keep safe?
- I- Integrity. Do you choose courage over comfort? Do you choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy?
- N- Nonjudgmental. Can you ask for what you need? Can others ask you for what they need without judgment?
- G- Generosity, Do you extend the most generous interpretation possible to yourself and others' intentions, words, and actions?
Use the braving acronym to break down and identify where you're struggling the most with your trust issues.
Do you need to improve your personal boundaries, or is it an issue of struggling to ask for what you need? I highly recommend you listen to Brené Brown it down in full detail. The ending is critical because she shares why self-love is vital in having a trusting relationship.
How do you fix trust issues in a relationship?
Once you've learned to identify the ingredients that make trust possible, you must begin to work on trusting from the inside out.
When you learn to trust yourself, you can make decisions that will be safer and more authentic.
If you don't trust yourself, you will know because you'll continue to go outside of yourself for validation rather than inward towards Christ within you.
Let me offer a few words of advice.
Christ is dwelling in your heart, and the Holy Spirit is guiding you from the inside out. That means you must learn to be still and know.
Don't allow yourself to be so busy helping and serving everyone else that you never stop to listen to God's reassuring voice that says you don't need to do all that extra activity to be made worthy.
In other words, you are already 100% worthy and 100% lovable because he created you. Not because of what you can do. Your validation doesn't come from your actions; it comes from God.
How to overcome trust issues in a new relationship
Once you've established trust with yourself, then you can begin to explore having a romantic relationship.
Please don't try to date when you're still in a lot of pain.
I know it's tempting to cover up the wounds by jumping into a relationship with someone new.
You might numb the pain temporarily, but what really ends up happening is the pain goes deeper and grows into bitterness, resentment, and spitefulness.
There's no way to pursue a godly relationship when those feelings have gotten a grip on your heart.
This next part of what I'm going to share with you could save you years of heartache, so please take note.
For a Christ-centered relationship to occur, you must meet these 3 basic requirements.
- First, you must both be Physical adults.
- Second, you must both be Emotional adults
- Third, you must both be Spiritual adults.
1. Physical adult
The first one might seem obvious, but humans have a long history of getting into committed relationships before they are physically ready.
This points to the fact that marriage was not about intimacy and love; it was primarily about power and politics.
Although most of the world has begun to shun child marriages, the general public still has a nasty and sinful habit of oversexualizing our children and youth.
One of the most shameful ways this happens is when young women are accused of causing men to sin by what they are wearing.
This is a side tangent, but we must stop blaming women and girls for a man's sins.
2. Emotional adult.
The second requirement is that both he and she are emotional adults.
That means that neither is in the habit of blaming the other person for their emotions.
Whether those emotions are positive or negative, they are never caused by the other person; we always cause our individual thoughts and beliefs.
If you feel loved, it's because you're thinking and believing that he loves you.
When you feel betrayed, it's because you think he's is untrustworthy.
You can feel betrayed even if he didn't do anything wrong.
You can also feel cherished while he's seeing someone else.
Your feelings depend entirely on what you're thinking.
3. Spiritual Adult.
Until both people take full responsibility for their own relationship with God through Christ, we can not establish a Christ-centered relationship.
If either of you is waiting on the other to lead them closer to the Lord, you're negotiating you're personal responsibility.
God does not want to have a relationship with you through your husband. He wants to have a relationship with you through Christ.
Your relationship status in the world has nothing to do with your relationship with the Lord.
Your validation does not come from your relationship status.
And that's all there is to it.
Building trust in a new relationship
Before you begin dealing with your trust issues inside a new relationship, we need to clarify something.
Human relationships aren't easy.
They're real and raw and often involve pain, loss, and grief.
I do not condone abusive behavior of any form.
Emotional, mental, and physical abusive is never acceptable at any level and should never be tolerated.
What I mean is this:
Relationships require us to be vulnerable and intimate.
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”Charles feltman
Trust means embracing the fact that this might hurt. One way or another, if you choose to love, you choose to embrace the pain.
Because at some point, every relationship ends, and we need to say goodbye.
Every relationship faces challenges and obstacles, and we will either experience growing pains or the pain of resistance.
If you've said in your heart, "I will never trust again", then you have also closed yourself off to one of the greatest experiences life has to offer.
Instead, I want you to choose courage and bravely decide that love is worth the cost.
Will he handle your heart with maturity and care? Can you trust him to be there when you need him the most? What if he forgets that you're not his mother, and you start to feel more like a maid than a wife?
These are questions you will ask yourself.
The key is deciding that you will trust yourself to deal with any issue as it arises with grace, and you will always do the kindest and most loving thing for yourself and then for him.
How to date when you have trust issues
First of all, if you have to recognize that there are 3 separate and distinct stages of "dating."
- Stage 1. Dating
- Stage 2. Courtship
- Stage 3. Engagement
If you have trust issues, please don't go beyond the dating stage until you've honestly healthily resolved those issues.
Bringing your trust issues into a relationship and expecting someone to just deal with it isn't loving or kind.
For one thing, your partner will never be able to fix your issues for you, and it's not fair to try and make him tiptoe around you.
I teach my students to keep dating open, casual and no strings attached.
This way, it can remain light, fun, and not so serious.
If and when you're ready to make it serious, there needs to be an intentional and clear conversation that transitions the relationship into the courtship stage.
You can begin to consider a life together and begin to talk about engagement and marriage from courtship.
Engagement, however, should come as no surprise. It should be the symbolic gesture that announces to your friends and family that you're beginning to for a wedding and marriage.
This is what I teach in-depth inside my signature course Ready For The One. The program allows you to transition from single to married in an authentic way and never compromises your values or relationship with God.
What does the Bible say about trust in relationships?
Now, I want to go back for a moment to what I said about putting your needs first.
That might sound like it goes against the core message of "consider others before yourself."
But here's the thing most people miss:
If you have to lie about who you are and what you want to put other people first, then you're doing it wrong.
Women especially need to learn how to pour out into the lives of others without breaking the vessel.
In our efforts to be generous and love others sacrificially, we end up destroying ourselves, and that's a big problem.
I want you to remember that YOU matter to God.
Christ suffered and was broken so that we could be reconciled to God.
He didn't do it to make other people happy.
Because of what Christ did on the cross, we do not have to be broken. Instead, we are made whole and holy.
Please stop breaking yourself just to try and make someone else happy.
That is not the example Christ set for us. Not only that, but you're breaking yourself in vain because your actions will never make someone else feel anything.
Remember, you are not responsible for anyone else emotions.
You are responsible for your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, and the results you create in this world.
Focus on the things you can control, and your trust issues will begin to release their grip on your heart.
You'll find tons of free information throughout this website to help Christian women like you.
My goal is to apply ancient Biblical principles and Christ-centered truths to the modern dating world. I hope to empower single Christian women to date deliberately, court with confidence and pursue their God-given desire for a Christ-centered marriage wholeheartedly.
If you would like some help getting started, check out my free relationship starter course.
Begin by knowing your true worth in Christ and loving yourself so that you can attract and love the right man.
When you put in the work, that day could be much sooner than you think.
In this FREE Course, you're going to learn:
- Who you are in Christ
- What your core values are
- How to attract a man that finds you irresistible
Now I would love to hear from you!
I hope you’ve found this useful. If so, please share it on your favorite platform.
If you have any questions, thoughts, or opinions, I would love to connect with you in the comments below.
And I have a few questions for you…
- What trust issues do you have, and how do they show up?
- How have you handled your trust issues, what's worked and what hasn't?
- What advice or encouragement would you like to share with others who are struggling to trust men?
Leave a comment below and let me know.
Share as much detail as you like. Your wisdom and insights will help and encourage readers from around the world. The ideas you share might be the inspiration someone else needs to hear today.
Important: Please share your thoughts, ideas, and opinions directly in the comments below. This way, everyone benefits, and the community will continue to grow.
Thank you so much for reading and supporting this community with your voice.
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