Dating men from church has become a problem.
Many of my clients have found there's aren't enough of them to go around. Plus, there's' seems to be an uneven playing field. The ratio of women to men is way out of balance, and the boys don't want to play ball.
My client Julie told me that she feels totally frustrated and irritated by the men in her congregation. She goes to a huge church, and she's actively involved with different groups. Although she knows she's attractive, she says that the men in her church are either overly friendly or standoffish.
Others have told me that the men at their church never seem to date anyone from the church. They appear to be single for years until one day; you find out they're getting married to someone you've never heard of. This often comes as a shock because no one knew they ever had a girlfriend, and he was so complimentary.
If you've ever struggled with being confused by the men's seemingly weird behavior in your church, then this article is for you!
Today, I'm tackling the mysteries of dating men in your church to help you understand what's really going on, why it's an issue, and what you can do about it.
I know that you want to get into an equally yoked relationship with someone who shares your faith and will actually help you grow in your walk with God. But I'm sorry to tell you that you might not be able to find him at your local church.
The fact is that most churches have a 2 or 3 to 1 ratio of women to men. This ratio is even more dramatic in communities where the ratio of women to men is already unbalanced. Such examples include universities, black communities, and military bases.
When the ratios are out of whack, the whole system get's a little topsy turvy. I like the way the Message describes this situation in its translation of Isaiah 4:1
That will be the day when seven womenIsaiah 4:1
will gang up on one man, saying,
“We’ll take care of ourselves,
get our own food and clothes.
Just give us a child. Make us pregnant
so we’ll have something to live for!”
If you've found yourself in a congregation with an unbalanced ratio of women to men, you're not alone. It's not only a challenge for single women who want to get married, but it's also harder for everyone else. As a result, women end up taking on too much.
This inevitably enables the church to go on in this handicapped way. Women picking up the slack and taking on more roles than they honestly want to.
Ultimately this leads to a lot of women feeling dissatisfied with their church. They feel overworked, used, resentful, and victimized. When you add a sexual component to that mix, churches can end up in newspapers' headlines for all kinds of unflattering reasons.
But, I do not want to discourage you from being a part of the church. Rather, my goal today is to help you see what's really going on and hopefully empower you to take an active role in creating the future you want.
I believe that your marriage matters.
As women, we know deep down in our hearts when God has called us to the sacred role of wife and mother. But it's easy to be discouraged. Despite your best efforts, it seems like men get a free pass to do whatever they want and consider themselves to be entitled to a trophy wife.
You know, the woman who will be the perfect pastor's wife.
Beautiful, witty, enviable wardrobe, popular and adored by all. When thoughts like these creep in, the church goes from being a house of prayer to a beauty pageant that makes every contestant feel like a loser.
Let me offer some alternative solutions.
After working with many women on these issues and helping them cultivate internal and unshakable confidence in who they are in Christ, I'd like to share some thoughts.
You can shift your perspective to create the life you want for yourself. A life that is good for you and brings glory and honor to God.
And so, I'm going to show you 3 things nobody told you about dating men from your church. I will also point you towards an alternative option that you might like to reconsider or fully commit to.
Are you ready?
Here's the first one.
That's right; in the past 2 years, over half the single ladies in your church have NOT gone out with any of those fine fellas you see walking around on Sunday morning.
The reason I want to talk to you about this today is that the idea of finding and marrying a man from your own congregation is one of those fairytale dreams that actually STOPS you from getting what you want.
And listen, most of the other single women in your church are just as irritated and frustrated as you are. You all want the men to man up and ask you ladies out. But here's the truth, they don't want to, and they're not going to.
This doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you!
It's just that they've got a great setup, and there's no reason for them to mess with a good thing.
Of course, there will always be some random example of a lovely couple who met at church and got a vision or prophecy declaring that they had found the one.
Those beautiful love stories get all your hopes up and keep you waiting. With great anticipation, you look to the bass guitar player on the worship team and hope that he will finally take out his earbuds and ask you on a date. But let's be honest, for over 60% of women, that won't happen.
Understanding the situation for what it is is one of the most important factors for creating what you want in life. Accepting this truth will help you move on and look for alternative options with much better potential outcomes.
Everyone else is telling you to be patient, and the right man is going to walk down that aisle one day, take one look at you, and know that you're the one for him.
I'm telling you that's not a great way to get to your dream. Let's accept the situation for what it is and set you up in a location where all that awesomeness will be truly noticed and appreciated.
The second thing I want to share is why men don't want to date women from their church. Not only are the ratios in their favor, but there's also way too much pressure from the church.
The fact is, most men value their privacy.
When men start dating a sister from his church, there's usually many unwanted commentaries from all his other well-meaning brothers and sisters in Christ.
If you do happen to date a man from your church, do your relationship a favor and give it room to grow, away from prying eyes. Especially if you're over 30 and dating someone the same age or older. Most men want to work their love lives out privately.
There's also more pressure from Christian men to have sex with the women in their church than their unchurched peers.
This is partly since they are already getting their emotional needs met in a variety of ways. Now they can play the field, and there's only one thing left that they're looking to get.
Also, men tend to try a woman's virtues to see if she is as modest as she appears to be. So, even though they claim to value celibacy before marriage, they tend to try and pick the locks just to see if it's pickable.
Here's what you should do; make a new commitment in your heart to God.
For you, let your church be a place for spending time with God. PERIOD. Please don't turn it into Boaz's thrashing floor.
Here's why you should make this commitment today; because the sooner you stop trying to attract men in the wrong location, the sooner you can start getting results in the RIGHT location.
Now is the best time to make this commitment!
Here's why... it's simply easier if you get started sooner rather than later. Don't waste your Sunday's with God on false hopes. Instead, commit to letting church be your sanctuary, a holy space where you meet God, not men. Spend time with your Father and let your brothers and sisters be just that.
One of my clients made this commitment and said it gave her such a great sense of relief and freedom. She said that she finally enjoyed going to church again because she let go of all the external pressure. Apparently, she had a habit of spending her Sunday mornings focused totally on what to wear. She was so distracted by thoughts of who she might meet and what he might think that she felt totally disconnected from God by the time she got to her pew.
She came to me because she wanted to renew her relationship with God and get her priorities in order. She booked her complimentary coaching session, and together we came up with a strategy for meeting the right man in the right place at the right time.
There's one final point I want to make...
The men in your church have too many options available.
I'm sure you've experienced information overload or decision paralysis. When there are just too many choices, how do you pick the right one?
As a result, most men don't pick anyone.
They already have lots of female friends in the church who are more than happy to meet their emotional and physical needs.
Here's my suggestion to you; maintain healthy boundaries with the men in your church. That means; don't get too friendly with any of them in hopes that it might turn into something more.
Don't overshare or allow them to come in a rescue you from your drama. That exacerbates the problem because then they see you as a victim and themselves as the hero. This isn't good because men don't want to marry victims. It stokes their ego but does nothing to get you closer to a proposal.
As a coach, I suggest that you adopt the idea that your brother is your brother and treat him like a brother. That means; stop fantasizing about what your babies would look like.
Here's the thing; I think about things differently.
You think that you need to keep all your options open.
You know that you could meet the right man anywhere. But, you think that if meet him at church, there would be some assurance from God that he's the right one, right?
Wrong! You're thinking about it from a place of fear and scarcity. I'm telling you this; when you shut a window, God opens the right door.
Listen, date men from your church if you want to, but I'm telling you, it's a waste of your time. If you're committed to getting married sooner rather than later then, I want you to think about all the ways you could co-create that future with God for yourself.
Now, you're probably saying to yourself, Okay, well, if I'm not going to meet him at church, where should I meet him?
I want you to consider going where the odds of meeting a fantastic man who is actually in alignment with what you want are in YOUR favor. That place is online!
Yes, I know there are many reasons why dating online is scary, and everyone says it's a bad idea. But, I think that YOU are a smart and discerning woman who is more than capable of sorting out the good from the bad.
One of the most common questions I get is,
"Lily, can you help me with my love life? I've been dating men from church for years, and it never goes anywhere. I want to have a Christ-centered marriage. I've been waiting on the Lord. I've broken old soul ties, and still, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I want some help. Can you take a look at my situation and help me figure out what I should do next?
And the answer is Yes!
I work with Christian women who know that they want to get married, and their ready and willing to do what it takes to turn that God-given vision into a reality.
If you're ready to wholehearted pursue your desire for marriage, then I would love to invite you to join my FREE Private coaching community.
Whether you've been dating for a while, you've got a steady relationship, or you're just getting started and feeling a bit nervous, you'll find encouragement, inspiration, and support from myself and others inside our community.
Could you do this on your own?
Of course.. but many women find that it's refreshing to be apart of a community that is more interested in learning and growing than complaining and venting.
Inside the community, you'll learn all about my simple yet effective coaching process.
Having a coach and a community at your side is helpful; it provides you with the support and encouragement when you need it most.
Imagine Sunday morning walking into church with a great man you're excited to introduce to people. When they ask how you met, you confidently tell them what a great experience you had getting to know him online.🥰
Picture a day when you're totally excited to share with others what you've learned from a wholehearted approach to dating and courtship. You've been coached on exactly how to create what you want in a Christ-centered way, and you're delighted to tell others all about it. 👏🏻
Think of how good it will feel when a new guy arrives at church, and unlike everyone else, you have no desire to get into that tug-of-war. You know there is an ocean full of fish, and you're going to find the one who is perfect for you. 😍
Marriage matters, and we live more than ever in an online world.
Rather than resent this fact, what if you could embrace online dating as a wonderful tool you can use to practice honesty, integrity, discernment, and love?
I believe that showing up for life in a way that expresses who you truly are in Christ Jesus is the best way to attract an equally-yoked, Godly husband.
It doesn't matter whether that happens online or offline. What matters is whether the relationship is good for you and brings glory to God.
I hope you’ve found this useful. If so, please pay it forward by sharing this article with someone who will also be blessed by it.
My goal is to help Christian women like you enjoy a healthy, thriving relationship with God so that they can confidently pursue a Christ-centered marriage.
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