Sex outside of marriage is pretty common these days, and no one seems to expect you to wait, except you and Jesus.
But what do you do when you don't live up to your own expectations and find yourself waking up beside the man that you love but didn't intend to sleep with yet?
In this episode, I'll share my own story of letting go of the past, so that I could create a future that was in alignment with what I wanted most; a relationship with God and eventually a family that was root in Christ.
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Many women use this as an opportunity to self-destruct, sabotage the relationship or begin manipulating their partner into a commitment neither of you is ready for.
That's why today, I want to share with you the 3 mistakes women make when they have sex outside of marriage and what you can do instead.
To avoid justifying their behavior, many Christian women begin to tear themselves apart for not having more self-control.
This is tempting because we feel like we deserve to feel shame and condemnation when we sin. Otherwise, we will do it again.
But what usually happens is actually the opposite.
When we treat ourselves with contempt and communicate to ourselves that we are worthless, used (or any of the other vicious things we say to ourselves when we feel shame), we are far less likely to draw close to the Father for reassurance.
Instead, we tend to draw closer to our partner for reassurance and comfort and end up continuing the pattern until it feels like we are stuck in a situation we can't get out of.
Today, I want to remind you that you don't have to beat yourself up to truly repent.
The simplicity of true repentance often leads many women to overcompensate and try to add to the finished work of God by attacking themselves in words and actions.
Don't do the devil any favors by taking up his position of accusor.
Remember who you are in Christ, put your righteousness back on, and use the mind of Christ to decide what to do next.
Another common mistake that women make when they give in to the moment and find themselves entwined with the man they love but have not yet married is to try to make up for it with a ring.
Many people falsely believe that they're causing God to feel disappointed by their actions, and they try to rectify it by wrapping a covenant around it.
First of all, God's emotions are not dictated by the actions of us humans. Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if our actions were causing God's emotions to fluctuate all over the place?
It would be a disaster.
Remember: God has decided how He chooses to feel towards us. He has chosen love, and that love is unconditional.
Second, you don't have the power to make up for your sins.
Nothing you can do or not do will cover up for the sin of fornication or any of the other bazillion ways in which we fall short of the glory of God every day.
So please don't put sex outside of marriage in some special category that requires an extra level of Jesus, plus your little show of self-righteousness.
Getting married because you had sex is like taking an old lover into your marriage.
Many women find that their marriages actually suffer. They can no longer enjoy sex within the context of marriage because they're still feeling shame about what happened before the wedding night.
On the other hand, many women feel so upset with themselves they take the other route and sabotage or end their relationship. They do this to try and demonstrate to themselves and others that God comes first in their lives.
This is not necessary either.
Just because you had sex outside of marriage doesn't mean that you cannot have a healthy Christ-centered marriage.
It means that you experienced a moment of weakness.
Kinda like all humans do from time to time.
Assuming the sex was consensual and you both knew what you were doing, you don't need to cut off all contact with him to appease a jealous God.
Whether it was your first time or not, you and your partner are no less important, worthy or lovable to God. He still wants good things for you, and marriage is a good thing.
Your actions ruin neither of you if you bring them to God and repent.
And just like getting married doesn't reflect a repentant heart, breaking up after having sex outside of marriage doesn't prove anything either.
Sex outside of marriage just means you're two humans who are highly attracted to one another.
If you've committed the sin of fornication, there's only one thing you can do.
That means changing your mind, getting into agreement with God, and acknowledging that this is not what is best for you.
And if you're reading this post, you've probably already done that.
You're probably also thinking that it's not enough.
But our Father is good.
He doesn't want us to grovel and beg for His mercy and forgiveness.
All God wants is for us to come to Him and accept what He has already so graciously provided.
Whether this is the first time, or you've lost track of the times, remember this; deal with the sin first.
Once you've repented, then you can decide what to do next with your relationship.
I don't know if the person you've slept with is the right one for you or not.
And you won't know either unless you're able to draw close to the Father. Listen carefully to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit dwelling within you. He is directing your footsteps.
Trying to justify a sexual relationship with someone by hoping that the two of you will one day be married is wrong.
Even if you have a kid together or a bunch of kids and a mortgage.
Even if you're just waiting for the right documents to be processed. These circumstances do not justify having sex with someone you're not married to.
I know that many people will try to say that God understands or that legal marriage doesn't mean anything. But the Bible tells us that it means something to God.
God loves marriage. It is God's will for you to be in a healthy Christ-centered relationship.
But don't marry him so that you can say he is the only man you've ever slept with.
Just like with any sin, you should repent immediately.
If you're no longer a virgin, it's easy to get caught up in the idea that you're now defiled. Or impure. That you're somehow less than.
There's nothing biblical about that. Ask God to remind you how HE sees you because HIS opinion is the only one that matters.
Your value is not determined by the state of your hymen.
Throughout history, different cultures have made virginity into some holy grail. Personally, I don't believe that virginity is important. Rather, it's the decision to save sex for marriage that matters.
Celibacy is to be celebrated. Choosing to forgo immediate gratification of your sexual desires until you're in alignment with God's will, is to be admired.
But A tiny bit of flesh hidden up inside your vagina is not some kind of trophy.
And the truth is that the hymen breaks for a lot of different reasons. Young women can rupture this tiny piece of skin by accident in many different ways. Men can not tell if you're a virgin or not. In fact, most gynecologists can't tell.
It's only you and God who knows.
That doesn't mean that you should keep it a secret and pretend, it simply means that you are not depriving your future partner of any physical pleasure by no longer being a virgin.
So rather than worrying about the condition of your hymen, consider the state of your soul.
How does that look?
Is it clothed with the blessed assurance of God and His unconditional love, or is it surrounded by shame and doubt?
If you're feeling like a wretch, please know that's not the way God sees you.
Choose to see yourself the way He sees you, and know that He looks at you with love, understanding, compassion, and peace.
Once you've accepted forgiveness, begin to look at the reasons that lead up to this situation. Repentance means to turn away from sin. That means taking a really good look at what happened and doing everything you can to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
Maybe you were consuming alcohol, and that made it easy to cross the line.
Or perhaps, you're prematurely putting yourselves into extremely intimate situations that fuel your desire for one another.
Maybe you were feeling really upset about an issue and chose to seek comfort in the wrong way.
But whatever you do, please don't make life-altering decisions about your relationship to try and relieve the discomfort of sin.
There are so many reasons we fall into temptation that it would be impossible to address all of them here.
Look at your situation and figure out why it happened. Then, do what you can to guard against it happening again.
If you've been sleeping with the same person for a long time and decide that you want to stop, don't let old habits hold you back.
You might get some resistance if you tell your boyfriend that you no longer want to have sex outside of marriage, and that might lead to a breakup.
But please don't believe the old lie that men won't stay unless they're getting sex.
The right man will not only respect your desire to save sex for marriage, but he will also share it.
That doesn't mean it will be easy for either of you. Having a sexual desire for the person you love isn't a problem. It only when we choose to act on that desire and obey our flesh rather than God that we fall into sin.
People might try to tell you that getting married is the right thing to do.
You might experience pressure from culture, aunties, parents, and even pastors who are concerned for you.
However, this is a hazardous solution if you or the person you slept with is not prepared for the responsibilities of marriage.
Don't marry him to try and make other people happy.
Or, to try and get them to stop judging you.
Take time to repent and seek God.
When you repent, it means you turn away from the sin. You don't keep doing it, hoping that it will eventually result in a wedding ring.
Make the necessary changes to ensure that you can walk with God.
That's where true purity comes from.
Allow God to cleanse you and then get back on track with your walk with Him.
Marry a man when you're both ready to accept the weight of marriage with honesty, grace, and maturity.
I always tell my students and clients; the three things you should look for to know whether you're prepared for marriage are:
We tend to take physical maturity. But, if either of you is still in emotional or spiritual childhood and unable to take full responsibility for your own emotions and walk with God, you're not yet ready for the covenant of marriage.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment to each other and God. If the foundation and reason for marriage is a sin, that is a recipe for failure.
Resist the pressure to believe that without a husband, you are incomplete.
You must know that you are complete in Christ. That He will is the only one who will ever be able to meet your needs for love, security, and comfort.
Enjoy your season of singleness. Discover who you are in Christ. Appreciate this special period of time in your life.
If your past is preventing you from moving forward with a new relationship, I would like to invite you to check out my free relationship starter course.
This 3 part mini-course will help you find comfort and hope no matter where you are in your journey towards marriage.
In this FREE Course, you're going to learn:
You deserve to experience freedom from shame and condemnation and the opportunity to love yourself for who you are in Christ.
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