The Remarkable Art Of Allowing Them To Judge You

single and strong Jan 06, 2021

People are going to judge you whether you like it or not. 


One of the reasons we have such an intense desire for self-control as a fruit of the Holy Spirit is that we want to use it to control and manipulate other people’s opinions. 


We think...

  • “I wish I could control myself more so they would like me.” 
  • “If I could speak more easily so they would listen to me.” 
  • “I need to control my eating so that I could be thinner, and he would be attracted to me.” 


But notice how that desire is more about controlling other people's judgments of you than controlling your own behavior.


The truth is whether a man rejects you or is obsessed with you has virtually nothing to do with you. 


When he judges you, it’s all about him. 


That’s why it’s important to decide what you’re going to believe about yourself no matter what. 


They're going to judge you; love yourself anyway.

Robin Williams brought joy and laughter to billions of people around the world. 


Unfortunately, he believed his life was worth living. 


That thought left him feeling hopeless, and as a result, he committed suicide.


I suggest you choose what you want to believe about yourself with wisdom and intent. After you've made your decision, don’t let anybody’s conflicting beliefs stop you. 


It might surprise you to know that I married and divorced my highschool sweetheart.


I thought we were like Romeo and Juliet.


Tragic lovers doomed to fail. 


I proved that true. 


Now, I look at my current husband and think we are the most dynamic power couple ever, and we’re going to change the world. 


I honestly believe that. 


It won’t surprise me all surprised people recognize the names Lovingson and Lily as quickly as they recognize Barack and Michelle Obama.


When they judge you, do this.

Other people are allowed to think, judge, and have whatever opinions they want about it. 


Despite my confidence in our marriage, I have relatives who think that my husband and I are awful. 


Isn't that interesting?


They have all these thoughts and opinions about us and what we should or shouldn't do.


Some think that we shouldn’t be together. 


Others feel we should have sought their opinions. 


Some say we shouldn’t communicate as freely with one another as we do. 


Others believe we should have more children. 


Or, we should have different goals in life. 


Half my family believes we shouldn't live in Zimbabwe; the other half thinks we should stay in Zimbabwe forever.


Ironically, most of these people are sharing their unsolicited advice while their own relationships fall apart.


They’re fighting with everyone, and they are not happy with their own life. 


Just because they judge you doesn't mean you have to agree with them.


Don't get me wrong; I'm not suggesting that you never listen to other people’s thoughts or opinions. 


The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice (Proverbs 12:15).


I'm merely saying, be careful whose advice you listen to and why you're taking it. 


Are you taking their advice to try and make them happy, or because it will actually help you achieve your God-given desire?


I believe that our God-given desires are a map to being God’s good and faithful servant. 


So don't sacrifice what you and God want you to do to make your other people happy.


Instead, eliminate all the false pleasure and fear of negative emotions, and clean up your mind by renewing it daily and adopting the mind of Christ.


When you do this, you’re left with your true God-given desires. 


Follow those desires and pursue every Christian's ultimate desire to be God’s good and faithful servant. 


Of course, people are going to judge you along the way, and that's okay.


Instead of saying "you can't judge me" or "you're in no position to judge," recognize that they can, and they are, and then get on with the business of following God.


I wish I knew

We all say, “I wish I knew what God wants me to do. If I knew, I would do it.” 


If you really want to know what God wants you to do, clean up your life.


Get rid of all the noise and static that comes from false pleasure, people-pleasing, and numbing behaviors. Once you close all the easy escape outlets, you will have no trouble listening to the still small voice inside you who constantly direct you forward. 


It's easy to waste your time and energy indulging in false pleasures and people-pleasing. That's Satan's plan.


Chocolate, erotica, alcohol, gossip, scrolling, impressing, comparing.


All take the energy we could be using to build the Kingdom of God is being wasted away on the pursuit of false pleasures.


Your desire is limited.


You can’t want everything. 


The order of desires according to the Bible


The Bible says you must make choices about what you want and in what order.


"Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."

Matthew 10:37


This verse confused me for a long time.


But now I see that it is obvious.


We need to have our priorities in order.


Choose what you spend your desire on wisely.
Be frugal and want the things that God wants for you. 


Be in alignment with His will, and do not waste your desire on false pleasure or people-pleasing to avoid other people judging you... 


Desire God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul, and everything else that is good falls into place. 


Want money, comfort, attention, pleasure, status, or something else a little bit more than you want God, and it becomes an idol and throws your life out of alignment with God. 


Stop and make an intentional decision about who you’re going to be. 


For example: if you go to a party you know the kind of person you are.


Are you the type who does coke?
Plays strip poker?
Does 10 shots? 


You’ve already made a clear decision for yourself about those things. 


It’s either YES or NO. 

You might have debated these things in your early 20's, but by now, you know.


Let me suggest that you can be just as clear and decisive about every area of your life as well. 


  • I don’t make out with someone I’m dating. 
  • Bringing my own cash and paying for myself is a must.
  • I choose to wear makeup when I go on a date. 
  • Having sex before marriage is no longer an option for me.


It’s simply a matter of deciding who you want to be and then showing up as that person.


Don't forget to like your reasons for doing so. 


Reasons that sound good and spiritual don’t work if you have no desire to actually followthrough on them... 


Just because God says you should do or shouldn't do something isn't compelling enough.


You have to personalize it. 


Personalizing your convictions


These kinds of thoughts will never help you overcome temptation.


  • That’s what I’m supposed to do. 
  • A good Christian would do it. 
  • Satan will have a stronghold in my life if I do that. 
  • The Bible says I shouldn’t. 
  • My pastor said it’s wrong. 


When temptation kicks in, these reasons will fold every time.


You have to have reasons that address what you want. 


Here are a few examples that have a little more oomph to them.


I don’t do X because …. 


  • Being a woman of my word is important to me.
  • Faithfulness and commitment are two of my core values. 
  • I want to grow in my walk with God. 


I do X because I...


  • love that person so much and would feel terrible about hurting them.
  • Appreciate everything that they do for me. 
  • think it’s important. 


We have been taught to be afraid of having self-centered reasons for doing things, but in reality, it’s our own desires that motivate us to do what we do. 


So be honest with yourself and choose your desires and reasons intentionally. 


Notice the difference between these two statements.
Please pay attention to how they make you feel.


  1. I'm choosing X because it’s what God wants me to do. 




2. I'm choosing X because I want to do what I think God wants according to what the Bible says. 


Which is more accurate?


It's a subtle difference, but if you learn to recognize it and apply it to your life, you can live free from the fear of having other people judge you.


Dealing with your emotions as they come up when dating. 


Inside of my signature program for single Christian women, I teach that there are only 3 things we can do with our emotions.


  • Resist them
  • Avoid them
  • Allow them / process them.


Have you ever noticed that expecting to always feel happy, peaceful, and comfortable all the time causes us to be miserable?


Ironically, we need to experience negative emotions to feel the comfort and peace of Christ. 


God designs our experience on Earth to include negative emotion. 


We have a unique opportunity to worship and love God through the pain. 


In Heaven, that won’t be the case. 


God will wipe every tear from our eyes. 


But on earth, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  


There will be frustration, loss, grief, anger, mourning, etc. 


Embrace it!


You judge them, and they judge you. A no-win situation

Let go of the judgment and accusations that things should be different from the way they are.


Realize that wanting something and not having it brings discomfort. 


Like when you really want to be married, and you're not. 
That unmet desire can be painful.


Allow for that emotional experience to be what it is, and make peace with it.


This hurts, and that's okay.


The alternative is to notice the pain and try to deal with it through sin and false pleasure.


Unfortunately, you can’t enjoy the fruit of the Holy Spirit if you are numbed out with false pleasure. 


Here's the main problem with false pleasures; it allows you to think that your life is better than it is. 


And this leaves us defensive because, deep down, we know that we are capable of so much more. We want so much more. And yet, we also think I should be content with what I have—Nothings wrong. I'm so blessed.


If you take away the false pleasure of indulgent foods, Netflix, masturbation, alcohol, scrolling, social media, etc., 


Do you still like your life?


An opportunity to change


What do you want to change?


Be that person now, love that person, and find a Christ-centred man who loves you for who you truly are. 


When you choose this way of life for yourself, everything you do will be done with courage.


Unfortunately, that will also feel very raw and vulnerable. 
And people will judge you.


But it will be real. It will be authentic and Christ-centred.


Please note: 


Just because something is a false pleasure doesn’t automatically mean it’s a sin. 


It's not a sin to...


  • Eat cake. 
  • watch Netflix
  • drink wine. 
  • be on Facebook
  • have an orgasm


But when these actions keep you from being fully you, that's one of the greatest sins of all.


It's a great and tragic sin because you were made for a purpose, and Jesus came and died so that you could experience life in abundance.


If that purpose, life, and energy are being squandered on false pleasures, now is a good time to re-evaluate and make some new decisions.


If you would like some help applying this, check out my free relationship starter course so that you can start dating with intention.


Begin by knowing your true worth in Christ and loving yourself so that you can attract and love the right man.


When you put in the work, that day could be much sooner than you think.



In this FREE Course, you're going to learn:


  1. Who you are in Christ
  2. What your core values are
  3. How to attract a man that finds you irresistible


Take The Self-Love Relationship Starter Course for FREE Today!


Now I would love to hear from you!


I hope you’ve found this useful. If so, please share it on your favorite social media platform.


My goal is to help Christian women like you enjoy a healthy, thriving relationship with God so that you can confidently pursue your God-given desire for love and marriage. If you have any questions, thoughts, or opinions, I would love to connect with you in the comments below.


Now, I have a few questions for you…


  • When people judge you, how often do you let it upset you?
  • Are you ready to make some intentional decisions about how you are, even if it upsets the people you care about?
  • What would it feel like to stop worrying about what people say and focus only on your God-given desires?


Leave a comment below and let me know. 


Share as much detail as you'd like. Your wisdom and insights will help and encourage readers from all around the world. The ideas you share might be the inspiration someone else needs to get a breakthrough.


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Thank you so much for reading and supporting this growing community with your voice. Your comments are a gift to me and make a huge difference in the Kingdom of God.


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