There's really only one way to get over an ex. Of course, you can find dozens of tips on how to let go and move on, but at the end of the day, there's only one way to do it. Love him.
Obviously, this will fly in the face of 98% of the conventional wisdom out there, but as Christian women, we need only concern ourselves with the truth of God. His truth is The Truth, and The Truth will set you free.
God knows what true freedom looks like, and He set the example for us. We love because He first loved us. And if we truly want to put a relationship in the past, the best way to do that is to love your ex.
Maybe you're reading this and feeling seriously confused right now because you think your problem is that you can't stop loving him. That's why you're trying to get over him.
But let me offer you a different perspective. You don't love him. You love the IDEA of him. You're longing for what you imagined would be possible with him in your life.
Maybe you're different, but most women aren't actually in love with their ex-boyfriends. Although they often describe the feelings they have as love, if we look deeper and label them properly, they usually have more to do with regret, loneliness, disappointment, and depression.
Let's take a look at that famous verse that describes what real love looks like.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.1 Corninthians:13 4-5
Is this how your feeling towards your ex?
We often believe that we're supposed to feel angry and hateful towards an ex. Especially if he did something awful like cheating or being abusive, it's very tempting to feel totally justified in our feelings of resentment, bitterness, and hatred.
But do those feelings serve you?
God tells us to love everyone, including our enemies, because feelings of hate, anger, and rage are so destructive to us.
Of course, betrayal is painful.
Jesus knows better than any of us how painful that experience can be. But remember how Jesus greeted Judas? Even as Judas gave him a kiss of betrayal, Jesus called him "friend."
Now, all of this is easier said than done. That's why I'm giving you 10 practical tips that will help you put this truth into practice and get over your ex.
To successfully get over an ex, you need to be patient with yourself.
The following steps are designed for Christian women who want to get over an ex-boyfriend. While many of these steps would apply to an ex-husband, I believe that divorce has much greater implications than breaking up with a boyfriend. While many of these truths will apply in both circumstances, I believe that there are many significant differences that must be addressed.
But at the end of the day, remember that God's ways are higher than ours. He commands us to love.
We don't get to make an exception when it comes to our exes.
Love is always the way.
The song of Solomon tells us...
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
7 Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
The Bible clearly acknowledges how painful rejection is. Heartbreak is excruciatingly painful, and this verse implies that it's worse than death.
Christ's love for us broke through death.
Of course, His love is extraordinary, but our love for one another can be an overwhelming force as well.
When dealing with a broken heart and trying to let go, it's important to let time do its job. But it's more important to focus our attention on intentionally receiving the love of God.
Even the idea of the most devoted, loving married couple in the whole world and throughout all of history, is only a watery reflection of the love God has for you.
Nothing you will ever experience in your human relationships will ever compare to the love God has for you.
If you believe that your best days are behind you, you will be depressed.
God commands us to have hope.
Having hope means believing that tomorrow can and will be better than today. We have an eternal future to look forward to, and you can't seek the kingdom of God if you're busy wandering down memory lane.
Not only that but, if you want to get over your ex, you're going to have to reimagine your future.
When we get into a relationship, we often imagine spending the rest of our lives together. We start imagining the wedding and the children and growing old sitting side by side in matching rocking chairs. But all of that is imaginary.
To move on, you're going to have to imagine something new.
Try to imagine a life where you're strong and confident in who you are and the future God has in store for you. It might feel like a bit of a mystery right now, and that can be scary, but trust that when God says that the plans he has for you are good, it's true.
Tomorrow can be better than today.
One of the best ways to prepare for your future is by being intentional about who you're becoming. Sign up for my free program, "The Self-Love Relationship Starter Course. It's designed for Single Christian Women who want a Christ-centered marriage, and it will help you start moving towards a better future today.
Just because I said that you should love your ex doesn't mean you should talk to him. Remember, love is a choice you make on the inside. Choosing to love someone in a Godly way doesn't mean we get rid of all our boundaries.
If you have children with your ex, make sure that your conversations with him are based only on the child's needs and not on the relationship. You are not obligated to share personal details or information unless it is necessary for the child's well-being.
This is one of the most important and often overlooked parts of letting someone go. If you're concerned about soul-ties, I've covered them in-depth here.
But the simple fact is; it's hard to move on if you see little mementos of your relationship all around you.
Do a clean sweep and get rid of everything that reminds you of your time together. Don't try and justify keeping something just because it was expensive. If it's from your ex, let it go.
I don't want to shy away from the fact that many Christian women are having sexual relationships outside of marriage. Getting rid of all the stuff might also mean getting rid of all the things you own that remind you of your time together. That means the bedsheets!
Think of this break up as a great time to reset and get right with God.
If you've been fornicating, repent and start fresh with God.
God is the author of your heart, and He alone knows how to heal it. No matter how broken or distant from God you might be feeling, please know that He is right there, ready and willing to accept you.
Stay off of his social media pages.
I know it's tempting to take a peek and see what he is up to, but loving him in a Christ-like way means respecting his privacy. Although he might be sharing things on a public platform, that doesn't give you the right to be nosy.
Plus, you're only hurting yourself.
Does it do you any good to see him with a new girlfriend, get engaged, or have a baby? Of course not. How can you get over your ex if you're still following his every move?
Or, maybe you're tempted to play the comparison game to see which of you is better off now that the relationship is over.
Please don't do that to yourself.
Comparison is deadly. Making yourself feel better by comparing yourself to someone else is a losing game because you'll always end up comparing yourself to others who are also better than you.
It isn't easy to ignore those impulses to pick up your phone and start scrolling, but this is essential for how you get over an ex.
Our emotions are an important part of our human experience. God designed us to feel a wide variety of emotions, and there's nothing wrong with any of them.
Feel your emotions, but don't let them rule over you.
Just because you feel sad doesn't mean that you have to eat a bucket of ice cream. You can also feel mad without sabotaging your own life.
Remember, Jesus got angry and sad too, but he always maintained control of his own behavior. Having extremely intense feelings is not an excuse for bad behavior.
Instead, this is a great time to practice some self-love.
Before you get into a new relationship, it's important to clear the clutter and refocus. Practicing self-love and soul care is an excellent way to make space for a new and better relationship.
While I acknowledge the idea of soul ties and help women break them, I have a real problem with the idea of soul mates.
The idea of soul mates comes from an ancient Greek/ Egyptian myth that men and women were once one creature who shared one soul. When they offended the gods, they were split in two, and as the myth goes, men and women now wander the earth in search of their other half.
There's nothing biblical about soul mates.
And there's nothing in the Bible that talks about us having one and only one true love within our lifetime.
God allows us to choose our own marriage partner, and it is a choice we must take full responsibility for. It is a holy covenant that we make from our own free-will. If you go around believing that you've lost your only chance at true love, then you're in a hopeless situation.
God's will for us is that we remain hopeful.
So know in your heart that if someone no longer wants to be a part of your life, that's okay. God has something better lined up for you.
Too often, women stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons. If you ended a fruitless relationship, then you need to pat yourself on the back. It's not easy to break someone's heart, but sometimes it really is the kindest, most loving thing you can do.
Ending a relationship takes courage.
Standing up for yourself is often difficult but necessary. He may have had some qualities and characteristics that you loved, but you can't let that keep you in the wrong relationship.
Too many women are treating their boyfriend like a husband and their husband like a boyfriend.
If you are not married, please do not put yourself under undue pressure for calling off the relationship. You did not enter into a sacred covenant with this man. He was not your husband.
Know your priorities and be patient as you look for someone who shares those priorities too. If the relationship wasn't headed towards a Godly marriage, then you did the right thing by letting him go.
Instead of living your life full of regrets, it's important to remember that God knew ahead of time all the mistakes you were going to make. Not only that, He came up with the solution way before He ever made you.
Jesus is NOT plan B.
Jesus was the Savior way before the world ever needed saving.
He was ALWAYS plan A.
So no matter what kind of horrible mistakes you think you've made, know that God already factored them into His plan for you. He knew you'd sleep with that guy, He knew about the baby, He knew about the drugs, and the porn and the ugly habits you're embarrassed to talk about. Our Heavenly Father made you on purpose, knowing exactly how many mistakes you would make.
He is not disappointed.
The best way to honor God is to repent, acknowledge that His way of doing things is better than your way, and learn from your mistakes.
The next time you're tempted to beat yourself up over something you can't change, decide to accept God's grace, learn from the past, and then let it go. Don't forget, Jesus knows how to help you get over your ex. Let Him help.
One reason a break-up can be so painful is that we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship.
We invest so much time and energy in our new relationship that we often forget about our friends and family. Sometimes we even push them away if they don't support our relationship.
If you've lost touch with your loved ones, use this time to reconnect.
You might be embarrassed, but don't let that stop you from receiving the love and affection they want to show you.
In fact, try to schedule some non-negotiable time with the people who matter most, and don't cancel it when you start seeing someone new.
Be intentional about calling your mom, visiting your sister, and attending the ladies' Bible study.
When you have something to do, you also have less time to sit around, feeling lonely.
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My goal is to help Christian women like you enjoy a healthy, thriving relationship with God. So that they can pursue their God-given desire for a Christ-centered marriage.
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