What if I told you the secret to being successful in marriage was this: never get married for the wedding.
I know, I've poured a little cold water on your dream.
Because let's be real, you've been planning that wedding for a looooong time.
But here’s the sad mistake many people make that not only leaves them exhausted and hating life and often divorced. They say to themselves, “I’m just going to get married and we will figure it all out after the wedding...”
Or “I’m going to get married, and then God will bless our relationship and it will all work out.”
No, no, no, no, nooooooooooo!
Never, ever make a holy covenant to try and twist God's arm and get a blessing.
Because you’ll be absolutely miserable. And you’ll rarely if ever, enjoy the kind of love and intimacy you dreamed of.
Your relationship might look pretty on the surface, but when trouble comes (and it inevitably will).
Eventually, your marriage will be tried and tested. And your beautiful wedding photo's (no matter how professional they are or how many likes they got on Instagram), and that gorgeous wedding dress, ( regardless of the label) will never help you save your marriage.
Making sure you’re starting the right relationship for the right reasons is vital because if your heart isn’t truly in your marriage, your husband will f
More accurately, he will not feel it. He won't feel the love, joy, or intimacy that are necessary for a thriving relationship. And maintaining a marriage that's got no heart, passion or purpose is an exhausting battle, which most couples give up on.
These days marriage has to be about more than survival.
Good godly men want more from a woman than to birth and raise babies. They're looking for a life-long companion. A partner, that is full of heart. A woman who wants to serve the world with him.
Men are looking for women who will raise their children to be tomorrow's leaders. They want women who are creative and brilliant, who know their God-given purpose, and who are excited about achieving extraordinary things in their lifetime. Men are highly attracted to confident, purpose-driven women who know their value.
You have to know and be living from that place of deeper purpose.
That means you've got to start working on your marriage now!
While you're single and way before you tie the knot, so that, you're prepared for those initial challenges.
Unless you have a strong enough purpose for your relationship to exist – a passionate, emotional link between you and your husband and an awareness of what you're trying to create together in the world, you’ll fail to follow-through on the enormous amount of work it requires to see your relationship through those initial beginning years.
You simply won't have the stamina necessary to thrive. You might be able to endure, (which is what many couples settle for) but you can't thrive.
Make no mistake: the biggest difference between those who succeed and those who fail in marriage is a fierce commitment to doing the hard, unglamorous work day after day after day.
Most people have a hard time committing and following through with anything unless there’s a compelling enough reason why they want it.
Not to be morbid, but we’re all going to die.
You, me, and every single person we know. Whether it’s in days, months, or hopefully many years from now, eventually... we're all gonna "give up the ghost".
And we are constantly moving towards that final destination. With every breath you take, you come a little closer to your ultimate end.
I'm not saying that to depress you, I’m saying this to inspire you. Our time on the planet is extremely limited and valuable.
YOU are extremely valuable.
Do not waste your life starting a relationship you don't appreciate, just to avoid loneliness.
You’re on the planet for a reason. God doesn’t make any extra people. No other person ever has, or ever will have, the unique blend of talents, strengths, and perspectives that you have.
Deep down, you know there’s something special you’re meant to do in this world. Whatever your dream is, whatever the call of your soul, whatever that thing is that makes you, you…
Let that spark everything you do, including your relationships and marriage. Be moved by your passion, your heart, your dreams, and your desires to create the things you want to see in the world. Including True Love.
Be intentional about falling in love with someone you're going to love growing old with.
Think about it.
Successful marriages are not motivated by a fear of loneliness. If you look at what holds two people together, you'll see that most successful marriages are motivated by more than fear.
Most thriving wives that I know (myself included) are motivated by a deep, passionate desire to improve the world around us.
In their own homes, in their husband's life, in the lives of their children, community, and the world at large. They are driven to make the world a better place.
One home-cooked meal at a time.
Don’t get me wrong. Us wives love the snuggles and cuddles, we enjoy the romance and intimacy. But that's not our primary motivation.
This is important to realize because most marriages - especially in the beginning- are a lot less "sexy" than a typical dating relationship.
That’s why it’s so important to make sure you start the right relationship, for the right reasons.
Because when you’re in a relationship for the right reasons
Building your marriage takes on a beautiful life of its own.
The whole process becomes fun, spiritually fulfilling, and sexy.
Sex and intimacy is the natural outcome of a healthy relationship. But you've got to get it in the right order.
When you're starting a relationship for the right reasons, you'll be able to endure the battles that many other couples lose. You'll create the perseverance you need to succeed.
That's what makes sex with your husband sexy.
It's the knowledge that the two of you are building something together on a daily basis, and that you'll be able to anticipate and overcome any obstacles that get in your way.
Here’s the bottom line: Never start a relationship just to get married, start a relationship to make a difference.
Before you panic and say;
“But Lily — I never imagined anything like that. I just want to get married and make some babies before it's too late"
Hold on and keep reading, I got you covered.
While people get married for many reasons, the most successful and sustainable marriages recognize and appreciate the following:
1. YOU WANT TO BE A HELPMATE.
In the garden of Eden, God recognized that is not good for a man to be alone. Adam needed a companion. Someone to talk to, to problem solve with, and to love.
And so, God created Eve.
Eve wasn't there just to serve Adam sausage and eggs. She was there to compliment him. Together they would bring life into the world. Together they would rise and fall. Together, they would know and worship God.
God didn't create Eve because Adam needed an extra set of hands, nor did He create her to be dominated or conquered. He created her for love, communication, vision. God created her to nurture and nourish. He created her because he wanted to add an extra dose of beauty to the world. A softer, delicate, and tender force for creating life.
As a wife, your primary role is to serve.
You must be prepared to give and pour out from a place of love.
This is challenging because of the politics of our modern-day language.
These days we confuse serving, with enslavement.
You must recognize that true service is a free-will offering. You do it because you want to, not because you're being forced. Being a wife is a voluntary choice. Your service to your husband and family is a blessing and not a curse.
If you're feeling resentment or bitterness around the idea of serving, take a step back.
Remember, that Jesus served the Father, from a place of love and devotion.
To serve is to trust.
Without trust, a marriage can't succeed.
2. YOU HAVE A BURNING DESIRE TO CREATE A FAMILY.
Whether you have children or not, a married couple is a family.
A wife is responsible for turning a house into a home.
I love this quote:
“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.”
― William Golding
This is your gift. To multiply and enlarge.
That's why Christians praise the Proverbs 31 woman.
The Proverbs 31 woman is the epitome of Biblical femininity.
She does it all. And far too often her success makes most Christian ladies feel like failures in comparison.
Your job as a wife is not to become the Proverbs 31 woman.
She is a caricature.
The Proverbs 31 woman is an example of what is possible when you are following God's vision for your life. It's a song of praise to the woman who chooses to honor God by being the best version of herself and serving those around her from a place of joy and abundance.
Marriage is really about expanding your purpose and vision.
3. YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO BE SACRED.
Sometimes, we get into a relationship on our own. God's not there.
Maybe you started seeing someone, and one thing led to another, and now you feel stuck because it's not going anywhere.
You must always remember that a marriage is a holy covenant. It's not just about you and him...
...It's a vow between You, GOD, and Him.
So if you want your relationship to last, you have to give it to God.
All too often, people start a relationship on their own, they realize that it's not a very pleasant experience and mistakenly think that a wedding ring, and maybe a few kids will fix it.
This is a huge mistake!
A marriage must start with YOU & GOD.
You've got to commit to God before you commit to a man.
This doesn't mean that Jesus is your husband, ( A Christian phrase that sounds nice but isn't biblical)
It means that your relationship with God must precede your relationship with a man.
AND... it means marrying a man who cares more about his own relationship with God, then with you.
When you put your desire to know and please God, ahead of your desire to be married, you are able to make your marriage vows from a place of integrity.
But wait, that doesn't mean you stop wanting to get married. There's nothing wrong with having that deep ache and longing for marriage. In fact, I think it's a God-given desire, a calling that God has placed in your heart that you should make every effort to pursue.
It's time to get clear on why you want to start a relationship. If you’re considering marriage, go through the following questions:
The most important thing you can do when answering these questions is to be completely honest.
Be 100% real with yourself.
You don’t have to show these answers to anyone.
Heads up: if the ONLY motivation you have for marriage is to avoid loneliness, prove that you're wanted, enjoy a wedding day, or be taken care of — consider it a red flag.
A wedding is a beautiful thing. Especially a Christian wedding, you need to have a ceremony to get married! Just don’t let that be your only reason.
Grab your journal or a notebook.
Put pen to paper or finger to keyboard. Don’t get too precise or be a perfectionist here. Just write whatever comes to mind and answer as thoroughly as you can. The objective is progress, clarity, and self-awareness.
Here we go!
Grab your journal and write down your answers.
When you know who you are and more importantly WHOSE you are, you'll never settle for less than God's best.
That's why I created a brand new 3 part mini training series to teach single Christian women how to practice self-love in a deep and authentic way as the first step to creating a Christ-centred and equally-yoked relationship.
In this FREE Course you're going to learn:
Now I would love to hear from you!
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My goal is to help Christian women like you enjoy a healthy thriving relationship with God so that you can love yourself and start a Christ-centred relationship that leads to marriage.
If you have any questions, thoughts, or opinions I would love to connect with you in the comments below.
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