Have you thought to yourself, what's the point of dating? There are no good men left.
If so, you're not alone. I hear it all the time from single women just like you.
But just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true.
In this week's episode, I want to talk about how to eliminate this toxic thought and start practicing Truth that will help you pursue your God-given desire for marriage.
Not only will you get a collection of new thoughts to practice I'll show you exactly how to eliminate the thought errors aka lies, that have been holding you back. You're going to learn practical steps for using The Life Code to:
I love this process because it allows you to release a lot of pain from the past and move instead towards growth and life. And of course, this is an important skill that will serve you throughout your inevitable marriage as well.
If you're ready to move past those intrusive and toxic thoughts that limit you and make you feel stuck - this episode is waiting for you!
Links mentioned in this episode:
Episode 1: Creating Space
Episode 5: The Life Code
Episode 19: Narcissistic men
Connect with @LilyMtongwiza on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/lilymtongwiza/
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My heels wobbled on the bumpy pavement outside the bar. I was filled with liquid courage and running low on self-esteem.
What’s the point in behaving yourself and living your life in some tower like Rapunzel when there are no good men left?
Let’s be honest, I said to my inebriated friend, at the end of the day, they’re all the same. They want one thing.
And if, at the end of the day, they get what they want, why shouldn’t I enjoy myself too.
I mean, what’s the alternative? Sit and wait for that knight in shining armor?
He isn’t coming.
Only crooks and thieves climb those high towers.
Hello and welcome to the Forever Love Podcast; I’m your host, Lily Mtongwiza.
In today’s episode, we’re going to look at this line that I have heard a million times.
Maybe you’ve said it too.
“There are no good men out there.”
Well, my friend, that’s simply not true, and today we’re going to talk about why this thought is so toxic.
But first I want to say a huge thank you!
Forever Love is just over a month old, and we have already got over 1000 downloads and been nominated for the Spark Media Awards.
If you are one of the beautiful people who vote for me to win the Most Binge-worthy award, I can hardly begin to tell you how much I appreciate your love and support.
From the start of this podcasting journey, my goal for the podcast was for it to be binge-worthy.
So if you haven’t listened to the episodes in sequence starting from episode 1, you’re missing out. I wanted to make sure that each episode made sense on its own, but that it would be even better when enjoyed from the beginning.
So if you haven’t done so already, treat yourself and go back to episode 1 and enjoy all the goodness that is built into every episode. I promise you will not be disappointed.
And don’t forget to subscribe on your favorite platform, whether that’s Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts, you’ll be able to subscribe and never miss an episode.
Okay, now on to this toxic thought that is derailing your efforts to have a Christ-centered marriage.
There are no good men.
This thought comes in many different varieties and flavors, but it all boils down to the same immobilizing belief.
I won’t be able to have a good husband.
Whether you’re going the statistical route and comparing the number of women in the church to the number of men, or you’re looking out at the other half of the population and judging them all as pigs, this thought will paralyze you in your efforts to pursue a Christ-centered marriage.
Because really, who wants to bother with the rejection and heartache and discomfort of dating and courtship if, at the end of the day, you’re not going to get what you want anyway.
A word of caution. Statistics and data are useful for making informed decisions. But please don’t use them against yourself.
For example; It’s common knowledge that more people die in automobile accidents than flights.
And that information can serve you if it leads to making informed decisions about when to drive, wearing your seatbelt, and following the speed limit.
But if that data is causing you to never come out of your house, you’re using it against yourself.
See what I mean?
So let me show you where the real problem is.
First of all, we mistakenly believe a thought like “there are no good men” is a fact.
You probably don’t see it as a judgment, opinion, or observation.
To you, it is a concrete fact. It’s just true.
But I want to show you that it’s not.
In Episode 5, I talk about The Life Code. It’s a beautiful tool for helping us adopt the mind of Christ.
And it basically breaks everything in the known universe down into five categories.
Now, I’m not going to go into all the details here on how to use the life code; you’ll want to go back to episode 5 to get a full understanding of what this tool is and how to use it, because I talk about it a lot.
But a sentence like “there are no good men” goes in the mind category.
It is a thought.
And thoughts produce feelings.
So let me ask you this.
How do you feel when you think and believe “there are no good men.”
If you’re anything like most of my students and clients, you probably feel discouraged, stuck, frustrated, angry, bitter, resentful, paralyzed, maybe even outraged.
These are not exactly the fruit of the Holy Spirit, are they?
Now, when you’re in any of these emotions, I bet you’re feeling rather uncomfortable. You’re chest probably feels tight; your shoulders probably draw up close to your ears, your fists tighten, your jaw clenches, your eyes narrow, maybe you purse your lips, or you tighten your butt cheeks.
I mean, just between us girls, it’s not the most flattering posture you can assume.
Everything is rigid, cold, and hard. Not exactly feminine, is it?
And what do you do when you’re feeling this way?
Do you feel like giving anyone your number?
You’re probably more likely to withdraw, isolate yourself, judge others, indulge in false pleasures, and go numb.
And I want you to know that this makes perfect sense. Of course, you would do that when you’re thinking that there are no good men out there.
Your brain is trying to keep you safe. It’s doing its job perfectly.
Why go out there and risk everything when we already know that there’s no chance of winning.
Your brain is doing everything in its power to shelter and protect you.
Congratulations, you’re are a fully functioning human with an intact neurological system that is perfectly designed to prevent your death.
The only problem is, you’ve had a thought error.
You’ve believed a lie.
You’ve been feed misinformation.
Your brain thinks that the opposite sex is a threat, but it is wrong.
Unfortunately, your brain probably has a lot of evidence to support its conclusion.
Look at the stats.
Look at the news.
Just look at what’s happening on the streets.
Look at your sister and your best friend.
Look at how much pain they’re in.
Who’s to blame for all this?
Okay, to be clear, I’m not saying that there isn’t a percentage of men who are doing horrible, violent, and illegal things to women. There are!
In fact, I just did an episode all about narcissistic men and how to protect yourself from them.
There’s a link to that episode in the show notes cause I know you’ll want to check it out.
So while there are dangerous men in the world, it is a thought error to assume that they’re all like that.
Because the ultimate outcome of thought like “there are no good men” is that we stand as judge over the entire opposite sex.
And that is not our place. It’s certainly not going to help you in your journey towards marriage.
So what do you do with a thought like that?
Well, I recommend you surrender it.
You take this imagination captive and surrender it to Christ.
You repent of it and change your mind by adopting the mind of Christ.
So what does God think of Men?
Does he believe there are no good ones out there?
It’s an easy argument to make. I mean, we’ve scriptures like this one from Psalms
The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man,
to see if there are any who understand,[a]
who seek after God.
They have all turned aside; together, they have become corrupt;
there is none who does good,
not even one.
And Paul repeats the notion when he says in Romans 3:10
“None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
But is this the current view God has towards humanity?
Are we all a lost and hopeless cause?
Well, without Christ, the answer is yes. But in Christ, the answer must be a resounding NO.
So next, we need to ask ourselves, is Christ living in any of the people on Earth who have male bodies AND who are still eligible for marriage.
Because you might be one of the ones who believe that all the good men are taken.
Am I right?
Now here’s where I want you to lean into your faith in God.
If it was up to men and their own devices to come to Christ, they might never get around to it. But remember that scripture tells us that we love Christ because He first loved us.
So unless the Holy Spirit has given up and stopped loving, pursuing, and calling each of us to Himself, then there are still men in which the Holy Spirit is dwelling and transforming.
Now, let’s talk about what you mean when you say “a good man”
Because if by good, you mean “perfect,” you’re absolutely right. There are none of those.
No matter how long any of us spends in the presence of God or doing His good work, our transformation will never be complete on Earth.
But if by good, you mean a man of integrity, courage, love, and wisdom. My friend, trust me, they’re out there.
God is working in the world, and both men and women are coming to Christ every day.
I know that’s not what you’ll hear about on the 6 o’clock news.
But it’s happening.
All around the world, the Holy Spirit is working, and we have got to believe that He is working in your corner of the universe too.
There are men who are capable of being great husbands—kind and loving and faithful husbands.
So this is where we get to adopt the mind of Christ.
Now I want you to decide how you want to feel about men.
Maybe you’ve been feeling skeptical, dubious, fearful, or frustrated.
That’s totally normal. Those feeling are a natural bi-product of your toxic thoughts.
But how do you WANT to feel?
I recommend choosing one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit to get started.
What would it be like to feel Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness or Self-control when you think about men?
For those who are feeling a lot of frustration, gentleness and patience might be a good place to start.
Sometimes Love is scary because we think we’ve loved too much, and it’s gotten us hurt.
But that pain is not caused by loving others too much, it happens when you love others at your own expense, which is why I am such a big advocate for Christ-centered self-love.
If you’re struggling with that, I want you to go over to Proverbs2426.com and sign up for my free self-love relationship starter course.
Now, for this example, let’s choose the emotion Joy.
Joy is a beautiful fuel for connection.
Take a moment to remember the last time you felt pure joy. What was it like?
Did you breathe deeply? Did you take it all in? Did you smile and bask in the moment?
Now, what would it be like to experience that emotion when you’re thinking about men and dating?
If you’ve been thinking “there are no good men” for a long time, you might have some trouble, and it might feel like your brain is short-circuiting a bit.
Because it is.
Your brain may not be used to thinking this way, but that doesn’t mean it can’t.
It just means it will take time, practice, and discipline.
And that’s what adopting the mind of Christ is all about, rewiring your brain to believe things that produce the fruit of the Holy Spirit through Truth that will set you free.
So what would you need to think and believe to feel joy?
Here are a few thoughts I want you to try on.
Try them on as if we’re in a cute little dress shop and you’re in the change room and I’m the sales lady passing you items to try on.
Take each one, try it one, and see how it fits.
Eventually, you’ll find one that truly fits. That you like and is flattering in all the right ways. Don’t try to force yourself into one just because it sounds good.
What works for one woman may not work for another.
Side note, that’s the problem with repeating affirmations that you don’t actually believe. It inadvertently reinforces the toxic thought.
Grab a notebook and write these down because I want you to take your time with them.
Alternative Thoughts to There Are No Good Men
- It’s possible there are good men out there.
- I’m becoming someone who sees the best in the men around me.
- There’s at least one good man out there, and I trust that God will allow me to meet him.
- I wonder how many good men I will meet today?
- Good men are all around me.
- I’m surrounded by good and faithful men.
- Good men come in all shapes and sizes.
- Good men take time to recognize.
- God is transforming ordinary men into good men every day.
- God is at work restoring us all to himself, and I’m going to reap the rewards of His good work in us.
- I’m learning to spot the good men around me.
- I’m willing to look outside my comfort zone to locate a good man.
- I’m opening my heart to the possibility of having a good man in my life.
- It’s my destiny to be loved by a good man.
- Good men are easy to find.
- Good men want to marry a woman like me.
- I am attracted to the good in a man.
Feel free to play with these sentences and come up with your own. In fact, I recommend that you take a notebook and write down all the possible thoughts that you could believe about men that help you to experience the fruit of the Holy Spirit.
Remember, if these are new or challenging thoughts for you to believe, it will take time for you to fully integrate them into your belief system.
It’s likely that you’ve been believing some really toxic and painful thoughts on autopilot for a long time, and it’s going to take time to literally undo those thought patterns. But it can be done. And I believe that if you have the desire for marriage, it is work that is worth doing.
Because if you don’t, even if you get married, you will spend every night lying beside a man you don’t fully trust. And that fear will slowly destroy what you have.
Thank you for joining me for another episode of the Forever Love Podcast, I would love to connect with you, so please send me a DM on Instagram and let me know which thought you’re going to practice believing. You can find me @lilymtongwiza
Until next time, God Bless You.
Sometimes we lock ourselves in towers.
Other times, we fall into pits.
Either way, we are alone and cut off from the world.
But we were not created by God to live in pits or towers.
Valleys or mountain tops.
We may find ourselves there every once in a while, but they should not become our comfort place or refuge.
Comfort comes from connection, first to ourselves through Christ and then to others.
Whether you’re in a high tower or a pit, take that time to connect with God.
And once you know who your real knight in shining armor is, and you are set free, come away from there and begin the work that has been set before you.