In this episode, I'll share my own story of letting go of the past, so that I could create a future that was in alignment with what I wanted most; a relationship with God and eventually a family that was root in Christ.
Listen and subscribe to the podcast at Apple podcasts, Spotify, or elsewhere.
Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast?
Leave me a voice message here and have it answered in an upcoming episode
Below is the episode trascript edited for readability.
The carpet was scratchy under my knees.
I kneeled there on the floor debating whether or not I needed to actually burn my beding, or would it be enough to stuff it into a nearby dumpster.
I knew that tomorrow I would walk to the lake and throw my what I would do with my little wooden box, you know, with the hidden sliding compartment where a tiny stash of just in case pot was still hidden, would be thrown into the lake.
But what would I do about the piercings?
I’d never been able to get the one in my tragus out.
I’d tried using everything from pliers to a hole punch in an attempt to change out the jewelry, but it wouldn’t budge.
I wasn’t praying in the usual sense.
I was purging.
My life suddenly looked like the scene from the labyrinth where Sara realizes that everything she has ever treasured is trash.
I pushed the ground away from me and went into the bathroom.
It was 2 am.
My head hurt from crying.
I lifted my top and removed the first two silver rings.
I looked at my body in the mirror.
My teeth clenched and my mouth tasted like metal.
I grabbed a piece of bit of toilet paper to help me get a grip on my eyebrow ring, and gently twisted the little black spikes in opposite directions.
I laid the barbell on the ledge below the mirror.
Next, I removed the two screw-in studs from my left nostril.
Finally, I popped out the blue stone earplugs.
They smelled like funky cheese.
I placed them in the little pile with the others and then closed my eyes and apologized to God.
I wish I could lay them all down, but you know I can’t get this last one out.
I took a deep breath and decided to try one more time.
To my surprise the captive bead which had cemented itself in place years earlier easily popped out of the circular barbell and dropped to the ground.
It was a sign.
I was free from everything that been holding me captive.
Then I glared at the tattoo on my arm.
I wanted to scrub it off.
I wanted to forget everything I had done, and everything I had been.
Maybe if I prayed hard enough, God would wash it away.
I knew He could do.
Lord, please wash these marks off of me.
Cleanse me and make me pure.
I pumped a handful of foam body wash into my hand and slowly washed my arm under the cool water.
I looked at the long scar on my arm and the words around it.
What was I thinking?
Clearly, there were not going to be any more miracles in the bathroom that night. So I turned around, and walked back 3 steps back into my bedroom.
There was the comforter.
Like a coat of many colors.
Beautiful patches of multicolored fabrics, all stitched together in whimsical patterns.
I had loved it when I discovered it at Walmart during my second year of university.
It was so me.
I pulled it off and shoved it onto the floor at the bottom of the bed.
Then I grabbed the sheets and balled them up and dropped them onto of the comforter.
I didn’t deserve sheets.
I wanted to feel the roughness of the mattress.
I grabbed a big white bath towel that I had stolen from the resort in Mexico and made a mental note to throw that out tomorrow too.
But for tonight, it was the only source of warmth I would allow myself.
I wrapped it around my shoulders and laid my body down to shiver and escape my thoughts until morning.
Hi, My name is Lily.
And this is a podcast for those who want pursue their God-given desire for marriage, and embrace the journey of Forever Love,
I shared that story with you because that’s why my journey began.
On the floor of my basement apartment back in 2013.
And in this episode, I want to show you how to take the drama out of our stories.
We are all natural storytellers and liars by nature.
And we tend to get caught up in our own web of lies.
I’m not talking about the kinds of lies we tell on purpose to decisive others.
I’m talking about the more sinister ones tell ourselves without even realizing it.
The ones we think are true.
As a relationship coach, I help single women start to spot the lies so that they can adopt the mind of Christ, and be set free.
Because the truth is, you are a vessel.
And you’re probably a very cluttered vessel.
In the next few episodes I’m going to guide you through the process of emptying yourself, so that you can see what’s in there, and then decide on purpose what to put back in.
If you’ve ever felt like there’s just not enough…
Whether that’s time, money, love, joy… whatever.
Then stick around, because we are going to create a whole lot more space for what you really want in life.
Especially if what you want is Forever Love.
The kind of love intimate, equal, intentional, unconditional, and most importantly, founded upon a relationship with Christ.
3 types of purging
First, let me start by saying we all have these moments of purging in our lives.
Sometimes it happens spontaneously, like when your house burns down and you’re left with nothing.
Or some external force forces you to let go of everything.
In the Bible, we tend to see these as wilderness experiences.
Like when the hebrew people left Egypt behind and ventured into the wilderness.
The problem with a spontaneous experience is that we tend to really resent them.
Ultimately we see that they were for our good and that we met God and angels out there in the dessrt and we learned how to surrender and let go of all the things that were holding us captive.
But first we tend to be a bit bitter about what’s happened to us.
The second is situational.
For example, when you experience a big transition in life, like going away to university or breaking up after a long-term relationship.
We choose to start fresh.
It’s a blank slate and a new beginning.
Usually, we feel excited, even if it’s hard.
We embrace the experience like it’s a sunny day in September and we’ve got a brand new notebook.
In the Bible, we see this happen with Ruth when she chooses to follow Naomi back to Bethlehem and see what life has to offer.
The third, and the one I think is the most powerful, is intentional.
Nothing and no one is forcing us to empty ourselves out, but we choose to do so because it feels necessary.
We know that in order to embrace something new, we need to create space by clearing out the old.
Think of the woman who broke her alabaster box to anoint the feet of Jesus.
Or Jesus himself, who went into the wilderness after His baptism.
Choosing to pour yourself out, doesn’t come from a place of fear or lack.
It actually comes from a place of abundance.
I’ve had enough of this, and now I want that.
For myself, I had played enough games, I had caused enough mischief, I was done partying, done pretending, done trying to get attention.
Done with hangovers, done with pregnancy scares, done romancing the idea of live fast and die young.
I had had enough.
I wanted something different.
But the new wine I wanted wouldn’t fit inside my old wineskins.
So I decided to surrender everything, from my sin-stained bedsheets to right down to my IUD.
(I’ll tell you more about that in the next episode. )
And I want to share with you, how you can do the same.
Will you accept the challenge, to be, for a moment, an empty vessel.
Will you create enough space in your life to experience something new?
If so, come on a journey with me to explore this season of singleness in a whole new way.
Let me help you embrace what is AND say YES to more.
As your guide, I will continue to share stories from myself and others who have passed this way before, and I will show you how I use simple but effective coaching tools and techniques to deconstruct our drama and make space for truth.
I’m Lily Mtongwiza and this is Forever Love
This episode is sponsored by my Free Relationship Starter Course:
This 3 part mini-course will help you find comfort and hope no matter where you are in your journey towards marriage.
In this FREE Course, you're going to learn:
- Who you are in Christ
- What your core values are
- How to attract a man that finds you irresistible
You deserve to experience freedom from shame and condemnation and the opportunity to love yourself for who you are in Christ.