#109: My Integration ProcessMar 15, 2023
Today, I'm sitting down with my dear friend and long-time client Vanessa to talk about a letter I recently sent out (available to read below) about my healing journey and intentions to integrate.
Vanessa is here to help pick my brain and ask the questions many of you are thinking about. I hope this conversation will encourage and inspire you to be true to yourself, God, and love.
I'm going on a healing journey, and I want to invite you to come along.
My goal is to integrate so that I can operate from a place of wholeness. I've done this work before, and now I feel called to do it again at the next level.
It's going to be an adventure, and one of the reasons I want to share it with you is so that I can directly confront the shame and embrace the vulnerability of who I am and what I'm doing. Because if there's one thing I know about shame is that it likes to hide in the shadows where it can fester.
I think this is one of the reasons the Bible says;
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."
Unfortunately, I think many of us are afraid to do this because we're afraid of being judged. I know I am.
Because while I know at the deepest level of my soul that my life and work are Christ-centered, it's not Biblical. And I'm reluctant to expose myself and be labeled as a Jezabel. But, the still small voice within me reminds me that Jesus was also accused of blasphemy... so.
I'm also ready to grow my business and reach more women than ever, and I want to ensure that growth is established on solid ground. I'm always telling you the truth will set you free. I believe that with every cell of my body, but it's still hard for me.
I've got a solid layer of armor, and I know that stripping it all off won't come quickly. I've kind of grown into it and out of it.
There are many healing tools in my toolbox, and I will be sharing them with you. All of them come with personal benefits and risks and no guarantees.
I was reminded today of this:
Truth has nothing to do with authority, truth has nothing to do with tradition, truth has nothing to do with the past - truth is a radical, personal realization. You have to come to it.
Knowledge is certain; the search for personal knowing is very, very hazardous. Nobody can guarantee it. If you as me if I can guarantee anything, I say I cannot guarantee you anything. I can only guarantee danger; that much is certain. I can only guarantee you a long adventure with every possibility of going astray and never reaching the goal. But one this is certain; the very search will help you to grow.
I can guarantee only growth. Danger will be there, sacrifice will be there; you will be moving every day into the unknown, into the uncharted, and here will be no map to follow.
Insecurity is the only way to grow to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow.
My personal toolbox includes breathwork, meditation, crystals, journalling (lots of journaling), supplements and medicine including; THC, psilocybin, caffeine, music, coaching, thought work, sleep and exercise, and diet. My influencers and teachers include Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother, Lovingson, and our daughters, my mother, Brooke Castillo, Brené Brown, Amy Porterfield, and Tim Ferriss. I enjoy personality tests, self-help books, enneagrams, and horoscopes.
I love rooting myself at the foot of the cross and borrowing what my soul needs from the universe.
I am figuring out how to be God's good and faithful servant, and I recognize that I am no longer living a Biblically correct lifestyle and I am out of alignment with many doctrines. And there's a lot of shame in that for me. Not conviction, but certainly shame.
I'm figuring out how to process these things and be okay with who I am in all my naked vulnerability. And...
I do not expect you to stick around if this is not for you.
I'm learning how to be spiritual, authentic, and vulnerable, and I will do a lot of it publically, so if you'd like to follow along, this is your invitation.
But if not, I understand and appreciate that as well.
I'm not for everybody.
I know that professionally I have come at my work from a more conservative Christian approach that many of you have resonated with, and this might feel like a betrayal or loss, and if that's the case, I do apologize.
If our values no longer align, thank you for the time and attention you've given me, and wish you all the best going forward.
Please note that part of my healing process will be maintaining my boundaries, so any rude, hostile, hurtful, or generally unkind, unloving, unhelpful comments or responses will be deleted.
As I share my journey publically here, on the podcast, and on social media, I anticipate pushback and judgment, and my plan for managing that is to shake the dust off.
So, that's what's new for me.
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